Dear Friends or Deal Friends?

In a world full of deal-makers, be someone’s dear friend. And protect your heart from those who only visit when there’s a profit to make.

By Abdullah Usman Morai | Sweden

A Quiet Question With a Loud Echo

We all have that one friend who vanishes during our lowest moments, only to reappear when the spotlight is on us again. Or the one who celebrates our success, but with a hollow smile and shifting eyes. In a world where likes, shares, and connections are currency, it’s getting harder to tell if the people we call friends are genuinely dear to us — or just here for the deal.

This article explores a painfully honest and eye-opening question: Are your relationships built on love, loyalty, and shared values, or are they transactional, opportunistic, and silently competitive? Are they dear friends — or deal friends?

The Rise of Transactional Friendships

We live in an era of utility. Time is monetized, emotions are curated, and friendships are increasingly influenced by what someone can “offer” — connections, influence, access, status. Social media further complicates this reality, where public displays of friendship often replace private acts of care. A friend tagging you in stories is no proof of solidarity when you’re battling something real, alone.

One study by sociologist Sherry Turkle highlights how technology has shaped “performance-based” friendships. We now maintain networks rather than nurture relationships. This shift has bred a generation of friendships that are conditional, transactional, and performative.

Case Study 1: The Promotion That Cost a Friendship

A woman in Karachi earned a promotion at her firm, becoming the youngest team lead. Instead of celebration, her best friend of ten years withdrew emotionally. Backhanded compliments followed. The friendship dissolved silently, poisoned by envy. This is the quiet tragedy of deal friendships: when your win feels like someone else’s loss.

Jealousy Behind Smiles: The Silent Rivalry

As humans, we naturally compare ourselves with those closest to us. But when comparison turns into silent rivalry, friendship suffers. Rumi once said, “Don’t get lost in your pain, know that one day your pain will become your cure.” The same can be said of envy — recognizing it can help us heal. But most don’t.

Friends who can’t tolerate your growth may not hate you — they hate their own stagnation. But instead of confronting that, they distance themselves or secretly rejoice in your setbacks. They become deal friends: conditional on you not surpassing them.

Pull Up or Pull Down?

A dear friend pushes you higher. A deal friend holds the ladder while smiling, but lets go when you’re not looking.

Case Study 2: The Friend Who Blocked an Opportunity

A young artist in Lahore was invited to exhibit his work in a prestigious gallery. A close friend — also an artist — discouraged him from accepting it, claiming it was “beneath him.” Later, it was discovered that the friend applied to the same gallery behind his back. Manipulation dressed as advice.

True friends share opportunities. They uplift. They call out your name in rooms full of doors. Deal friends don’t want you to grow because your growth threatens the balance of power.

Manipulation, Guilt, and the Currency of Control

Manipulation in friendship is subtle: the friend who keeps score, who reminds you of everything they’ve done for you, or who guilt-trips you for setting boundaries. These are not emotional deposits — they’re emotional debts they expect you to repay.

Such friends offer help with invisible strings. If you pull away, they say, “After all I did for you?” Their kindness is not rooted in care, but in investment.

Rumi writes, “When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about.” In true friendship, words become unnecessary. There’s presence, understanding, and trust. There is no control.

The Social Media Illusion

In today’s age, friendship has become a digital performance. Who showed up to your birthday party matters less than who posted about it. Friends curate moments, not memories.

Digital friendships often lack depth. Someone who comments on every photo but ignores your texts during a crisis is a deal friend — they engage when it’s visible, not when it’s valuable.

Hypocrisy and the Fragile Loyalty

Deal friends are often loud in public, quiet in private. They cheer for you in a crowd but criticize you behind closed doors. Their loyalty is convenient, not consistent. True friendship is tested in absence, in hardship, and in your silence.

Case Study 3: The Friend Who Vanished in Crisis

During the COVID-19 lockdowns, a man lost his job and battled severe depression. The friend he lent money to a year ago suddenly became distant. No messages, no check-ins. Months later, the same friend resurfaced with a business pitch.

This is the paradox of deal friendships: they expire when you’re no longer an asset.

When Friends Become the Source of Drama

Worse than absence is sabotage. Some deal friends don’t just walk away — they actively pull you down. They manufacture misunderstandings, twist your words, and misquote your intentions.

One common tactic: telling mutual friends that you have said something negative about them, even when you haven’t. This form of manipulation poisons the perception others have of you and isolates you without direct confrontation. It’s a backstabbing wrapped in false concern: “I just thought they should know what you said.”

This emotional triangulation is the favorite tool of the insecure. They divide to control. They gossip to maintain relevance. They sow mistrust, so they remain at the center.

Case Study 4: The Master Manipulator

In Islamabad, a university student lost three of her closest friends within weeks. The reason? One person had been going to each of them separately, claiming she had spoken ill of the others. None of it was true. But by the time she found out, the damage was done.

This is not immaturity. It’s manipulation with intent. And unfortunately, it’s common.

Friendship and Self-Worth

Toxic friendships erode our sense of self. We begin to question our worth, blame ourselves for their absence, or overextend just to keep them. Deal friends teach us to beg for emotional crumbs.

Recognizing these patterns is painful but freeing. The first act of self-love is to unfriend the illusion.

What Real Friendship Looks Like

• Real friends celebrate your growth without feeling smaller.
• They correct you in love, not in public.
• They remember the things that hurt you and protect those wounds.
• They show up, especially when it’s inconvenient.
• They defend you in rooms you’re not in, and refuse to entertain slander in your name.

Real friends don’t trade presence for performance. They stay when there’s nothing left to gain.

Checklist: Are They Dear or Deal?

1. Do they vanish when you’re low, then reappear in your wins?
2. Do you feel drained after meeting them?
3. Do they celebrate you, or compete with you?
4. Do they only contact you when they need something?
5. Do they listen without turning it into their story?
6. Have they ever created misunderstandings behind your back?
7. Do they gossip about others? You might be next.

If the answer to most of these is yes, you’re likely dealing with a deal friend.

Becoming a Dear Friend Yourself

We must also ask ourselves: Are we dear friends to others?

• Do we support unconditionally?
• Do we show up, not just speak up?
• Do we hold space without holding score?
• Do we avoid speaking ill of our friends even in frustration?

Sometimes, we too may have treated someone as a deal. Growth begins with that admission.

Love Without Ledger

Rumi once asked, “Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead, let life live through you.”

In friendship, this means letting go of control, envy, and transaction. Let love live through you. Let presence replace performance. Let loyalty be louder than likes.

In a world full of deal-makers, be someone’s dear friend. And protect your heart from those who only visit when there’s a profit to make.

Because friendship, in its purest form, was never meant to be a business contract. It was meant to be a bond — sacred, soft, and sincere.

Read – Beyond Words: The World Through Words

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Abdullah Soomro, penname Abdullah Usman Morai, hailing from Moro town of Sindh, province of Pakistan, is based in Stockholm Sweden. Currently he is working as Groundwater Engineer in Stockholm Sweden. He did BE (Agriculture) from Sindh Agriculture University Tando Jam and MSc water systems technology from KTH Stockholm Sweden as well as MSc Management from Stockholm University. Beside this he also did masters in journalism and economics from Shah Abdul Latif University Khairpur Mirs, Sindh. He is author of a travelogue book named ‘Musafatoon’. His second book is in process. He writes articles from time to