What does “gaslighting” mean? It refers to “psychological manipulation” that disrupts our perception of reality
Debashree Chakraborty
Do you remember Rani, the protagonist of Girish Karnad’s famous play Nagamandala? That innocent and simple girl, as clear as a serene lake, was deeply engrossed in the illusion of heavenly marital bliss. However, her terrifying experiences after marriage left her wounded and broken. I believe the writer portrayed the character of “Rani” as a representative of the larger female society. To say “I believe” would be incorrect—it is the reality.
Some personal experiences in recent days have made me think. Truly, every girl is like Rani before marriage. She weaves colorful dreams of a blissful married life. They envision their wedding chamber amidst lotus flowers, but beneath those very petals lurk venomous serpents. A healthy, normal woman gradually transforms into a tormented soul. As a daughter-in-law, she endures certain experiences, which she later inflicts upon another as a mother-in-law.
I do not blame the mother-in-law for this. The behavior she exhibits is merely a reflection of the lessons she has learned over time. Today, I will discuss a specific psychological issue that affects married women the most.
There is a term called “Gaslighting”. But what does “gaslighting” mean? It refers to “psychological manipulation” that disrupts our perception of reality. Many of us are unfamiliar with this term, but almost everyone has been a victim of gaslighting at some point in their lives. Previously, you might not have recognized this behavior as anything significant, but after today, you will understand it well and be able to maintain a safe distance from “gaslighters.”
This term originates from the 1944 Hollywood film Gaslight, based on Patrick Hamilton’s novel of the same name. In the film, the protagonist Charles Boyer plays the role of a husband who gradually takes control of his wife’s mind. He mentally abuses his wife (played by Ingrid Bergman) and manipulates her into believing that she is losing her sanity. Those who engage in such psychological torment are called “gaslighters,” and the process is known as “gaslighting.” Eventually, the victim loses trust in her own decisions, thoughts, and control over her mind.
Gaslighting can be inflicted by anyone who knows intimate details about your life and uses them to their advantage. The most tragic aspect of gaslighting is that the victim often fails to recognize it. Since this abuse occurs daily, it becomes normalized. The gaslighter frequently lies and manipulates situations in such a way that the victim begins to doubt their own reality. If the victim witnesses wrongdoing, they are convinced that they imagined it or misunderstood what happened. Over time, the victim begins to believe they are the one who is mistaken.
Literature and cinema have frequently highlighted this issue. In the movie English Vinglish, the protagonist Shashi’s husband is portrayed as a gaslighter. During the 2016 U.S. presidential election, the term “gaslighting” was widely used in the media, with accusations that Donald Trump and other Republican leaders were manipulating public perception.
Who Becomes a Gaslighter?
Gaslighting tendencies are often found in people with narcissistic personality disorder or those who experienced physical, mental, or sexual abuse during childhood. Individuals who are overly suspicious of their partners, are highly manipulative, take excessive risks in psychological games, fake emotions but lack genuine empathy, and have strong verbal and nonverbal communication skills are likely to be gaslighters. A gaslighter is not always a villain in the traditional sense but rather an anti-villain—someone who creates inner conflict in the victim’s mind.
Gaslighting in Marriage
Married women are the most common victims of gaslighting. A divorced or abandoned woman often has nowhere to go, as her parental home may refuse to take her back. This compels her to endure the abuse. A gaslighting husband will claim to love his wife while simultaneously mocking her intelligence, appearance, or abilities. These men derive a twisted satisfaction from making their wives feel inferior. Over time, the victim internalizes these criticisms, believing herself to be unintelligent, unattractive, or inadequate.
Another common tactic used by gaslighters is isolating the victim from their support system. They cut off the victim’s connections to family and friends, making them entirely dependent on the abuser. In gaslighting, the victim is made to believe they are responsible for things they never did or that certain events never actually happened. This conflict between reality and perception causes immense psychological distress. Even when the victim is correct, the gaslighter manipulates the situation so effectively that the victim ends up apologizing instead. Eventually, the victim starts doubting their own judgment.
Types of Gaslighters
In his book The Gaslight Effect, Dr. Robin Stern, an expert in emotional intelligence, categorizes gaslighters into three types:
- The Intimidator – Uses threats and fear to control the victim.
- The Idealized Charmer – Appears attractive, social, and talented, gaining the victim’s trust before manipulating them.
- The Seductive Controller – Initially showers the victim with attention and respect, creating emotional dependency before taking control.
How to Protect Yourself from Gaslighting
To protect yourself from gaslighting, follow these strategies:
Do not share your deepest secrets with just anyone.
Avoid becoming overly dependent on anyone.
Trust your own judgment and beliefs.
Be cautious before accepting anyone’s words as truth.
Stay away from people who dismiss your opinions or impose their decisions on you.
Understand the gaslighter’s motivations—they may have their own insecurities and failures.
Rather than confronting them aggressively, focus on protecting yourself.
If you find yourself in a toxic relationship, seek professional help from a mental health specialist immediately. If the gaslighter is someone you cannot physically distance yourself from, create an emotional barrier to safeguard your well-being.
Personally, I strongly believe that every woman should achieve financial independence before marriage. This ensures that she is never forced to endure toxic situations due to economic dependence.
To conclude, let us return to Rani from Nagamandala. The cracks in her marriage allowed the serpent to enter. If Rani represents all women who suffer from gaslighting, then society must recognize its role as the gaslighter.
Read: India: Masan Holi in Varanasi
________________
Debasree Chakraborti is a renowned novel writer of Bengali language. Based in Kolkata, West Bengal, India, she has done Master’s in Modern History from the Kolkata University, and authored some thirty books, mostly the novels, with historical perspective and themes. Her novel is ‘Maharaja Dahir’ that covers the history of Sindh from 662, the year of first attack on Sindh by the Arab armies till date, was published last year and translated by Nasir Aijaz into Sindhi language.
