The Power of Inner Discipline in a World Obsessed with Control
- Control is seductive, but it is often hollow. Self-mastery, on the other hand, is solid and enduring. It builds character, resilience, and true influence.
By Abdullah Usman Morai | Sweden
The Modern Struggle for Control
In an age where control has become synonymous with success, many of us fall into the trap of trying to micromanage everything and everyone around us. From personal relationships to professional environments, the desire to influence others’ thoughts, behaviors, and decisions has become a silent epidemic. Yet, history, psychology, and wisdom traditions consistently remind us of a different truth: real power lies not in controlling others but in mastering oneself.
The compulsion to control stems from fear, insecurity, and a false sense of responsibility. But control, when imposed externally, often breeds resistance, resentment, and rebellion. In contrast, self-control fosters peace, resilience, and respect. This article explores why we must shift our focus from trying to control others to cultivating self-discipline, and how doing so can transform individuals, families, institutions, and societies.
- The Illusion of External Control
Trying to control others is a psychological defense mechanism. It creates the illusion of safety and predictability in an uncertain world. When a parent tries to control every aspect of a child’s life, or a boss micromanages employees, they often do so out of fear—fear of failure, fear of judgment, or fear of chaos. However, the reality is that people are autonomous beings with their own thoughts, feelings, and agency.
Attempting to control others usually backfires. Children raised under authoritarian parenting often rebel or become emotionally dependent. Employees under oppressive management lose creativity and morale. Friends or partners subjected to controlling behavior often distance themselves emotionally.
Case Study: The Micromanaging Boss
Consider the case of Mr. Kamran, a department head at a prominent firm in Lahore. Despite his good intentions, his constant monitoring, instructions, and lack of trust led to low team morale and high turnover. Projects were delayed not because of incompetence, but due to the stifling environment. After attending a leadership training focused on empowerment and trust, Kamran began to focus on self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and stepping back. Within months, team productivity increased, and morale improved dramatically.
- The Strength of Self-Control
Self-control is the ability to manage one’s emotions, impulses, and actions in pursuit of long-term goals. It is not about suppression, but about conscious regulation. Whether it’s resisting the urge to respond in anger, refraining from interrupting others, or choosing delayed gratification, self-control is the bedrock of personal growth.
Unlike external control, which seeks to dominate, self-control is rooted in humility and responsibility. It acknowledges that we can’t change others, but we can change how we respond to them.
Real-World Reflection: Nelson Mandela
One of the most profound examples of self-control is found in Nelson Mandela. Imprisoned for 27 years, he could have emerged bitter and vengeful. Instead, he practiced extraordinary restraint and forgiveness, focusing on reconciliation over retaliation. His ability to control his anger and channel it into positive change reshaped South Africa.
- Control in Relationships: Love vs. Domination
In personal relationships, especially familial or romantic ones, the desire to control often masks deeper insecurities. Parents who obsessively monitor their children may fear social judgment or worry about their child’s future. Partners who demand constant attention or obedience may be acting out of fear of abandonment.
But genuine love is not about possession; it is about freedom and mutual respect. Controlling behavior erodes trust and breeds resentment. Healthy relationships thrive on open communication, boundaries, and individual autonomy.
Case Study: A Parent’s Awakening
In Hyderabad, a mother named Saima was deeply involved in every aspect of her teenage daughter’s life—academics, clothing, and friendships. When the daughter began hiding things and growing distant, Saima sought family counseling. She was guided to shift from controlling to mentoring. Through gradual changes, their bond strengthened, and her daughter began opening up again. The turning point was when Saima realized her role was to guide, not govern.
- Societal Control: Institutions and the Balance of Power
Beyond personal dynamics, societies also grapple with control. Governments, religious bodies, and schools often exert control under the guise of discipline or tradition. While some structure is necessary for cohesion, excessive control stifles innovation, dissent, and diversity.
Example: Internet Censorship in Authoritarian Regimes
Few countries have implemented extreme internet censorship to control public opinion. While this may create a facade of order, it limits free thought, creativity, and authentic dialogue. On the contrary, nations that focus on educating citizens and promoting critical thinking often foster stronger, more adaptable societies.
Control imposed from above may bring short-term obedience, but it rarely fosters genuine loyalty or respect. In contrast, societies that invest in citizens’ self-discipline and civic education create more resilient and just systems.
- Emotional Intelligence and Letting Go
One of the core components of emotional intelligence is self-regulation—the ability to manage disruptive emotions and impulses. The urge to control others often arises from anxiety or anger, but with mindfulness and self-awareness, we can recognize these triggers and choose more constructive responses.
Letting go of control is not about passivity. It is about trusting the process, recognizing boundaries, and focusing on what is within your domain. The Stoic philosophers, such as Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius, taught that our energy should be invested in things we can control—our thoughts, actions, and character.
Mindfulness Practices That Help:
- Deep breathing and meditation
- Journaling emotional reactions
- Practicing gratitude to shift from control to acceptance
- The Ethical Dilemma: When Is Control Justified?
There are instances when control may seem necessary—a parent stopping a child from touching fire, a government enforcing laws during a pandemic. But even justified control should be measured, transparent, and aimed at empowerment rather than dominance.
Ethical control respects autonomy while ensuring safety. It must come with accountability and a willingness to adapt. Otherwise, it slips into tyranny.
Case in Point: COVID-19 Lockdowns
During the COVID-19 pandemic, many governments imposed strict lockdowns. While necessary for public health, these measures sparked debates about freedom and overreach. Countries that communicated transparently and involved public participation (e.g., New Zealand) saw better compliance and trust compared to those that imposed top-down mandates without explanation.
- Control in the Digital Age: Social Media and Manipulation
Social media platforms are a new arena for control through algorithms, curated content, and echo chambers. Influencers, advertisers, and even governments use these platforms to shape public opinion and behavior.
The antidote is digital literacy and personal discipline. We must learn to control our screen time, critically evaluate content, and resist impulsive reactions to misinformation.
Quote: “You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.” — Unknown
- The Personal Transformation: From Control to Empowerment
When we stop trying to control others and start working on ourselves, profound changes occur:
- Stress reduces because we stop obsessing over others’ behavior.
- Relationships improve as trust replaces suspicion.
- We grow because we take responsibility for our emotions and actions.
Self-control is not weakness. It is mastery. It is choosing growth over gratification, peace over pride, and understanding over dominance.
Reflection Questions:
-What triggers my need to control others?
-What am I afraid will happen if I let go?
-How can I shift my focus inward?
The Quiet Revolution of Self-Mastery
In a world torn by conflict, manipulation, and insecurity, the most radical act may be choosing to control yourself instead of others. It is a quiet revolution—one that doesn’t make headlines but changes lives. The parent who learns to trust their child, the leader who empowers instead of commands, the citizen who chooses dialogue over domination—each contributes to a more just and compassionate society.
Control is seductive, but it is often hollow. Self-mastery, on the other hand, is solid and enduring. It builds character, resilience, and true influence. As the ancient proverb says, “He who conquers himself is the mightiest warrior.”
Let us rise not to dominate, but to discipline ourselves. For in that lies true freedom, and perhaps, the only control that really matters.
Read: A Manifesto for Emotional Equity
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Abdullah Soomro, penname Abdullah Usman Morai, hailing from Moro town of Sindh, province of Pakistan, is based in Stockholm Sweden. Currently he is working as Groundwater Engineer in Stockholm Sweden. He did BE (Agriculture) from Sindh Agriculture University Tando Jam and MSc water systems technology from KTH Stockholm Sweden as well as MSc Management from Stockholm University. Beside this he also did masters in journalism and economics from Shah Abdul Latif University Khairpur Mirs, Sindh. He is author of a travelogue book named ‘Musafatoon’. His second book is in process. He writes articles from time to time. A frequent traveler, he also does podcast on YouTube with channel name: VASJE Podcast.
